En Espanol muy bueno

I have a new cell phone. A beautiful new cell phone. You know how when an old lady has a dog,say its name is Spot. Well when Spot dies, she gets another one and names it Spot 2? My cell phones are kind of like that. Spot got run over by a car. Spot 2 stopped working. Spot 3 fell into the toilet and died. Spot 4 is beautiful. Hopefully his longevity is better than his predecessors. Princess Bacon and Stinkerbell seem to think Spot 4 is their phone. They download every version of AngryBirds and then get pissed when I won't let them play on my phone. I put a passcode on it, they cracked it. How you say? They looked at the reflection in my glasses when I was logging in. Bastards. Princess Bacon even texted Suburban Cowboy one day and told him not to come home from work until 8 o'clock. He called me thinking I was having some party that he was not invited to. Princess Bacon will also text her friends or their moms and ask to come over. Or she just reads my texts. Not good. Sometimes Suburban Cowboy sends me naughty texts. Or my friends and I talk about "Adult" things. Things I don't want her to read. Ever. One night at EmoKid's football practice, I let Stinkerbell play with the phone in a moment of desperation. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. Did I mention that it was stupid? Ok. I get home that night and go to text my best friend. I kept getting nonsense words. Over and over. I tried typing slower, nothing. I closed out the message window and tried again. Same issue. I go through all my settings for my cell phone and everything looks alright. Now Spot 4 and I are still in the honeymoon phase. There are some things I don't know about Spot 4. Finally I figure out what is going on with Spot 4. Apparently my beautiful phone is bilingual. I am not. My darling, beautiful, precious Stinkerbell switched all functions in text messaging to Spanish. Everytime I tried to text, it was Spanish. Spanish! Did I mention she had Princess Bacon change my wallpaper on Spot 4 to Justin Bieber?

Moby Dick...2.0

I am off from work in the summertime. My job is seasonal, so I usually end my working season by the end of April. This summer, I decided to entertain the children daily, especially since we had just purchased a new house. Near where we live is a big state park with a man made lake. We are not supposed to swim there, they want everyone to use the massive pool. Not happening. With my brood, it would cost the same amount as a tank of gas for my mini van. To the lake we go. I pack up the van, make sure everyone has goggles, their bathing suits and snacks. Usually I end up stopping at the Dollar Store to get goggles. Must be the Goggle Gnome. We make it to the lake, all of the kids alive, although Princess Bacon is generally pissed off because she cannot sit in the front. I try to rotate who sits in the front with the exception of Stinkerbell. No matter whose day it is, I always, without fail end up grabbing someone's shirt, cursing at them to get into the damn car and end up with a van full of pissed off children. We finally get on our way and I turn up the music to drown out the sounds of siblings threatening death to one another. Now, you know from previous posts that I love my children dearly, but there are some days where I don't particularly like them. So music soothes the savage mama. I know there are moms out there who do the same, and for those of you who don't, imagine me sticking my tongue out at you. Hey, its nicer than flipping you off isn't it? We get to the lake and I am left carrying all the stuff we brought. I yell at EmoKid to grab something and he stands there and looks at me like I am speaking Mandarin. Silently, I will myself not to chuck the cooler at his head. Did I mention it was 90 degrees? Ok well it is. I totter down the hill and toss everything on the nearest picnic table. The kids clamber into the water and I take advantage of the shade for five seconds. Not wanting to press my luck, I peel off my shorts and tank top and toss them on the picnic table. I look around adn seeing as how their is no one around, I am good with the bikini I am wearing. I may have lost twenty pounds after my gall bladder surgery, but I still do the nervous tuck in my stomach and look at me feet dance. I get to the water with the towels and spread them out. Looking into the water, I gasp. Why you ask? Because my "genius" Ferdinand found a door. Yes a door, that had washed up. And he is riding it. What in the hell. Seeing a family come close to where we are, I count to ten and use my Romper Room mommy voice to tell my son, my angel to get off the door. He smiles. I ask him again and he still does not move. I go as close to him as I can and tell him to get off the damn door now or I will whoop his ass and then we will all go home. He hops off and I grab the door, flinging it onto the shore. Stinkerbell is yelping that she wants me to come in the water, which is not an issue. I go under to get used to the water and re emerge. Princess Bacon and EmoKid are diving under with their goggles. Ferdinand can't find his. Stinkerbell is about to let him use hers when hers snap. I close my eyes and prepare my self for the onslaught of crap that is about to happen. She cries, I want to cry and Ferdinand stalks up to the shore, plopping on his towel. I ignore him for a minute because Princess Bacon and EmoKid are fighting, with sticks, in the water. Yelling at them to knock it off, I realize I must sound like Sam Kinnison to this lovely family behind me with their robot children who are playing nicely together near the shore. Ferdiand decides he wants to chuck rocks and Stinkerbell is the only one who is playing nicely. I yank Ferdinand down to his towel and hiss at him to sit there. I then gallop into the water and break up the fight with EmoKid and Princess Bacon, feeling like a referee at a dog fight. EmoKid looks at me like I am the one who did something wrong and swims away. Princess Bacon tosses the goggles at his head, smirks and swims off. I am thinking of a word to call her and restraining myself from flipping her off. Yeah I went there. EmoKid comes back over and I tell him to get out of the lake. He does nothing and gives me that look again. I rant and rave, quietly, in his face. Then I drop the D bomb. Yep..the I am going to call your Dad line. Yep ladies, I used it. The Dad card. So what? Anyways, I drag all of them to their respective towels and tell them to get their crap together because we are leaving. Miraculously, Princess Bacon helps me. We trudge up to the picnic table and I slide my shorts on. The family next to me is sitting there noshing on pork rinds and Mt. Dew. The parents probably weigh 350 pounds, well except for the dad. He is barely pushing 200.Shaking my head, I feel "dad" staring at me. ANd then looking away. WTF. I mean, I am not a model or anything, but I guess I am eye candy compared to Beula and Bertha over there. "Mom," hisses Princess Bacon. "What?" I hiss back. "That guy over there is creepy.He keeps staring at you," she replied. EmoKid comes over and notices it too. "Why would anyone want to stare at mom?" he remarked. Loudly. "Shut it," I tell him. He smirks and grabs his gear. We walk up to the car and Princess Bacon is walking backwards, staring at the guy. "Knock. It. Off," I hiss. She smirks. " He is checking out your booty. And I bet he was looking at your Yabos too," she says and laughs. Rolling my eyes, I jam everything into the trunk. "I still don't get it. Why would anyone look at Mom?" asks EmoKid again. "Shut up!" I finally yell. I want to go home, I want to have five minutes of quiet time. I swear as soon as their father comes home, I am out the door like a prisoner escaping Alcatraz. And if Suburban Cowboy gets in the way, he is going to get cut.